Uncertified Election Day Life Coaching

 

As many of you know, I am an Uncertified Life Coach, and have been for over four years. With what has been called the most volatile Presidential election in recent memory happening as we speak, I want to use this forum to address some electoral concerns.

Question One: What should I do on Election Day?

Answer: If you haven’t already done so, you should go vote for the candidate and issues of your choosing. Remember to wear comfortable shoes and bring your mask. Grab something to eat on the way home, and then do not, under any circumstances, watch the news.

Unlike in recent years, the outcome of the 2020 election will unlikely be decided on the actual election day. This is for many reasons, but will mainly be due to an historic amount of mail-in and absentee ballots. According to many state rules, mail-in ballots that are POSTMARKED by election day can still be counted. Thus, if you live in a swing state and the count is even remotely close, there is a good chance they will be hesitant to declare a winner. It may take days and even weeks for races to be called, and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, it just means the ballots are still being counted. This is why we vote in early November and the President takes office in the middle of January.

Question Two: What if the candidate of my choice loses?

Answer: If you vote for one of the two main party candidates, there is a reasonable chance that your guy will lose. It’s just math. If your guy does lose, it might be more helpful to list a few things not to do. For example, do not set anything on fire. You’ll probably regret it. Don’t grab your gun and “head into town.” This will end badly. Under most circumstances, your best bet is just to stay put and make a list of groceries. This will come in handy when your appetite finally returns in a few days. Most importantly, DO NOT GET ON SOCIAL MEDIA!

Question Three: What if the candidate of my choice actually wins?

Answer: If you voted for one of the two main party candidates, there is a reasonable chance that your guy will win. It's just math. If your guy does win it might be more helpful to list a few things not to do. For example, don’t gloat. There’s going to be millions of angry people out there with guns and matches. Depending on the election results, they will either be upset that America is turning into a fascist dictatorship or a communist regime. Regardless, many of them will be upset enough to punch you in the throat. Most importantly, DO NOT GET ON SOCIAL MEDIA!

Question Four: Whoops! I just got on social media and read that all the early mail-in ballots in Florida were pooped on by dolphins. Does that mean they don’t count?

Answer: Dude, I just...seriously. Look, getting your election result information from social media, especially in 2020, is about as safe as finding a date from the information Sharpied onto a bathroom stall. There are human beings around the world whose job it is to just design fake Twitter accounts and make stuff up. They create random crap for many reasons, but partly because they want to see us grab our guns, matches, and set things on fire. Don’t humor them.

 

Question Five: Is this year about over? 

Answer: God bless America I hope so.