Writer: (Walking into producer’s office) So, I think I have it.
Producer: Good. Good deal. I’m excited.
Writer: I think you’re gonna’ like this.
Producer: I know. You’ve been the best.
Writer: So, it’s a thriller. It’s a political thriller, actually.
Producer: OK. Politics. Whatyagot?
Writer: “Zombie Virus.”
Producer: “Zombie Virus.”
Writer: It’s called “Zombie Virus.” It’s about America...actually, it’s about the end of America.
Producer: OK. That’s pretty heavy for Memorial Day, but I’m listening.
Writer: It’s called “Zombie Virus,” and, it’s about a conspiracy...to unravel democracy as we know it.
Producer: So, is that...is that going into the trailer, I assume? The “unraveling democracy” thing, with the baritone?
Writer: “Zombie Virus” will tell the story of a conspiracy to destroy America from within using...wait for it...a VIRUS!
Producer: A zombie virus! Biological warfare!
Writer: Bio-LOGICAL, yes, warfare.
Producer: That is topical. I will give you that; my wife, the other day, she said that would be such an easy way to kill us, just, with germs, you know? Because we’re all so gross.
Writer: A virus...from China...from a lab...in the Wutang province.
Producer: Wutang?
Writer: The virus starts in China, and then goes to other places in Asia. And then goes to Italy. And Europe…
Producer: And that’s in Europe, yes…
Writer: And then finally...America.
Producer: OK. Biological warfare. I’m listening. A deadly virus is cooked up to ruin…
Writer: Well, actually, it’s not that deadly.
Producer: The virus is not that deadly?
Writer: Yeah, it has like, a 98 or so percent recovery rate.
Producer: (Pause, confused.) Michael, that is...well, that is a really, sucky virus...for a disaster film. I mean, I’m no sadist, but, you know, that doesn’t seem all that frightening.
Writer (Michael): Well, we’re not to the scary part. To slow down the virus, the government has to basically ruin the economy. Stop’s everything. Stock market tanks.
Producer: OK, yeah, now that is scary. Now I’m scared.
Michael: The government ruins the economy to slow down the virus, and it kind of works. For awhile. People get mad. They can’t go anywhere. People are out of jobs. Savings are wiped out. Violence escalates. Inner city turmoil. Masks. People are screami…
Producer: Wait a second.
Michael: Yeah?
Producer: Go back to the masks. What’s with those...are they, like, scary? Guy Fawkes type stuff? Michael Meyers?
Michael: No, like surgical masks. Like the kind surgeons wear.
Producer: (Confused expression) Soooo...the masks...are part of the conspiracy?
Michael: Yes...to take over America.
Producer: And how are the masks part of the conspiracy?
Michael: Well, if people wear masks they
lose their humanity, Kyle. It also makes them more susceptible to further
government overreach, right?
Producer (Kyle): (Confused pause.) Michael, surgeons are humans. They’re humans all day long, even in surgery, they’re humans. How is the mask dehumanizing?
Michael: Because you can’t do the non-verbal cues, Kyle, like this. (Makes creepy grin.) And besides, like I said, the masks are part of the conspiracy to get people to lose their humanity and become sheeple.
Kyle: (Takes out smartphone, taps, swipes, shows Michael pictures of thousands of people in various countries wearing surgical masks while walking down the street.)
Michael: Yeah. So?
Kyle: So...they’re wearing surgical masks to reduce the spread of random viruses......this is not...these pictures are from different years, even, this is not that weird of a thing...it’s a very common practice in different parts of the world. It doesn’t seem very sinister is all.
Michael: (Annoyed) Oh, well, with all due respect, Kyle, I suppose you’ve been to Japan?
Kye: I have been to Japan, Michael, yes, I have been to Japan, and Vietnam, and China last fall for my cousin’s wedding. I am very wealthy and I travel to distant countries, and besides that, these masks are not scary. At all. This is a strange direction for a conspiracy film, I’m going to be honest with you.
Michael: (Angry) The Americans get mad about the masks because it’s their right not to wear the masks!
Kyle: Oh, it is not! And people know
better than that, they’ve been wearing seat belts for years. Can’t even smoke
in public. What else? What happens after the masks, Michael?
Michael: Well, the election. For one. It’s a disaster! Because it’s very, very close, and the incumbent says the other guy cheated, and he won’t leave office. And it is very intense, Kyle. Very intense.
Kyle: Does he call in the military to keep his job? Does he bomb a country and declare martial law?
Michael: No, after a while he leaves peacefully.
Kyle: (Shakes head, increasingly annoyed.) Are you even trying to write something that is unsettling? I thought this was a disaster film. What’s going on with the virus, then?
Michael: Well, finally, after an entire year of recession and school closings, and angry people and tearing down statues, the “vaccine.”
Kyle: Now, why would you say “vaccine” with the deep voice? Tell me you’re not using the word “vaccine” in a movie trailer!
Michael: Maybe we will...because inside the vaccine, Kyle...is...a...micro...chip.
Kyle: (Nods head, begins to smirk.) OK. Now, that is sinister. Now that sounds like a very interesting conspiracy. I would maybe watch that movie. I wonder, would those needles have to be bigger around? How big are microchips? I don’t know. I guess we could find out. So, what...does this. Micro...chip...do?
Michael: (Intense look. Whispers) It tracks them!
Kyle: (Pauses) Okay?
Michael: The microchip tracks them. Everywhere!
Kyle. (Confused.) When does this movie even take place?
Michael: Now. It’s modern. It’s a modern conspiracy movie.
Kyle: And the microchip tracks them?
Michael: It tracks them, Kyle! Everywhere they go. Constant surveillance! Big Brother, man! 1984! Orson Wellian!
Kyle: “Orson Wellian?” Kyle, no, that’s...don’t say that again in front of people. That’s...look, we’re already being tracked, like, every time we leave the house. Every time we get on Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram...every time we buy something from Amazon. Jeff Bezos is listening right now. We’re already tracked. Why would they need to manufacture a zombie virus to sell a vaccine just to track people? Just look at the receipts. That is really low stakes, I think, for a conspiracy.
Michael: Well, I think it’s scary.
Kyle: (increasingly irate) And why do they need to be tracked in the first place? Are they mutants? Did I miss the part where you told me the people getting tracked have a real, pressing need to be tracked? Are they all violent criminals? What is going on, Mike? Are you getting divorced again? Are you drinking? Are you drunk right now? I’m sorry, but I'm having doubts about this so-called “thriller;” it’s just not very convincing to me.
Michael: Fine! Skip the microchip! How’s this for spooky? The vaccine is the Mark...of the Beast.
Kyle: The mark of the beast.
Michael: The mark of the beast. From Revela…
Kyle: I know what book, yes. I’ve been to Sunday School. So the vaccine is the mark of the beast. OK, that’s creepy, I will give you that, that is creepy, but it also sounds like that might be a headache.
Michael: How will that be a headache?
Kyle: Well, it’s very offensive, for starters. I think many Christians would be very offended by that. And these folks don’t get offended very often, either, except around Chris... I mean, excuse me, except around the holidays. So, I don’t know if that’s a good move.
Michael: Why would that offend them?
Kyle: Well, Michael, I mean, you’re familiar with their religion? You’ve seen the Mel Gibson film?
Michael: I have not. No, not after what he said about my people, no I have not.
Kye: Marrying a Jewish person does not make you a Jew, you know this.
Michael: I’m at least half-Jewish.
Kyle: No you’re not, but anyway, that is very offensive, I would guess, because their entire faith is based on Jesus. Jesus is God, Michael. He came to earth, lived for thirty years, preached for another three, fulfilled centuries worth of prophecies, and then was beaten and arrested and crucified for the sins of mankind. All of human history, in fact, from the Christian tradition, is wrapped up in this idea of Christ, God, loving humanity so much that he made this sacrifice. Insinuating that he’s gonna’ send people to hell on a technicality is kind of...well, I mean, it’s kind of blasphemous, if you believe in that kind of thing.
Michael: How is that blasphemous?
Kyle: Well, like I said, he is God, for one. He created the ENTIRE universe. He bled and died for mankind, Mike, he’s not some pagan trickster deity trying to con people into eternal damnation. How would getting a vaccine designed to protect the health of you and your loved ones be construed as offering your allegiance to the antichrist? Have you even read any of the Bible? It’s full of cool ideas, I mean, this David guy, he’s gotta’ real ‘Game of Thrones’ vibe, we could…
Michael: (sad) Kyle. This...this used to be so much easier...you used to love my ideas.
Kyle: Mike, you’re in a slump. It happens. Why don’t we call Meredith, have her take a look…
Michael: Meredith?
Kyle: Yes, Meredith.
Michael: “The” Meredith?
Kyle: Yes “The” Meredith, she’s all kind of good ideas lately and she keeps dropping hints like she’s heading to Disney, I need to make her feel wanted. (speaking to phone on desk) Connie, can you call Meredith for us?
Connie: (from phone on desk, annoyed voice) Did you lose your phone, again?
Kyle: (pause, looks at the desk phone angrily.) Connie, why are you even on payroll, if you don’t do what I ask you to do? What are you doing right now? What even is your job, anymore?
Connie: Disney’s hiring, Kyle.
Kyle: (Contrite) No, please don’t go. I’ll call Meredith. Thanks, Connie.
Connie: Mmm hmm. (hangs up)
Kyle: (calling Meredith) Hey, Meredith.
Meredith: (voice from laptop) The vaccine makes guys impotent.
Michael and Kyle: WHAT?
Michael: How did she know what…
Kyle: Meredith, how did you know what we were talking about?
Meredith: Your laptop is still open to the Zoom meeting from this morning. The vaccine makes men sterile. Every third dose makes the sperm all loopy. It’s a population control measure. That’s your conspiracy. I want a co-writing credit for that, you know.
Michael: Co-Writer?! She said...you said, like, twenty words!
Kyle: Absolutely Meredith. That was brilliant. Great work! Again!
Meredith: Mmm hmmm. (hangs up.)
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