Vivid Season

 

Both of my grandfathers made it to their nineties, and although the average life expectancy is on the decline for most Americans, I’m still optimistically referring to my upcoming birthday as “middle-aged.” As such, I’ve begun to write a memoir of a particularly vivid season - the two years surrounding the birth of our youngest daughter, Annaka. Many are already familiar with her journey so I’ll spare you the details, but I’m trying to complete the “advanced reader’s copy” before she enters Kindergarten next fall.

Much of the story I can recall from memory, and much of it was written during the events themselves in the form of columns and social media posts. I’ve also made short journal entries for all three of our kids since the day they were born, and reflecting back on those primary sources has been incredibly helpful.

It was a difficult time, clearly, but it was also one marked by an inner peace. We remember it as a season of tremendous goodwill.

I’ve been thinking about goodwill quite a bit recently, since it's Christmastime and all, and also because goodwill could be hard to find in a year that wasn’t short on much of anything else. From the coronavirus to racial tension, from the election strife to natural disasters, this has been an historic year.

To complicate matters, however, many of us are no longer reading this history from the same book.

As just one example, in my expert opinion, the mask debate ought never have been a debate at all. After all, the Apostle Peter tells us to listen to civil authorities, even those who ask we do things we’d rather not. Paul implores us in Romans to live in harmony with our fellow man. Christ himself insists we love our neighbors, and wearing a mask to slow down our own potentially infectious air seemed like such an easy, visual way to do just that; to swallow our pride and our desire for individual “freedom” for the greater good.

Others, clearly, took a different view.

Regardless, we seem to be living in alternate but parallel worlds, sharing the same space on a finite planet but experiencing reality in starkly, and sometimes dangerously, different ways. Are we losing the capacity, as Atticus Finch told his daughter Scout, to “walk a mile in another man’s shoes?” Have we lost the patience to imagine ourselves in “another man’s skin?”

Paraphrasing from a book much older than To Kill a Mockingbird, in Matthew Jesus told his disciples that at the end of the age, the love of many would grow cold. We see this “coldness” on the news, of course, but the news has always been bad.

Sadly, I have also witnessed it in people I know. Sometimes I see it in my own children, snapping at each other like crabs in a bucket.

Most chilling, I feel it in myself, such as when I digest headlines with an icy, “Yeah, sure, but how is that going to affect me?”
            It’s frightening, and while some consider this troubled time as just that—an unfortunate series of historical events, colliding into and exacerbating each other at a breakneck pace—others view it through a darker prism, as a harbinger of a world order nearing collapse.

Merry Christmas, huh?

                                     

The good news, however, believe it or not, is that it doesn’t actually matter.

It doesn’t matter at all, at least not as it affects the way we should live out our daily lives in the coming New Year.

Each day, in 2021, we should pray. Whether this has been a tough season we’ll eventually move past or things are just getting started, we should meditate on God’s word. We should ask for forgiveness, and forgive those who’ve slighted us. We should offer help where it’s needed, smile, and fill in the gaps.

We should slow down and breathe, and allow others the same privilege.

Thanks to Annaka, we’ve never had the privilege to join the public health debates that have saturated these last ten months. We never had the option to “pick a tribe” when it came to this strangest of culture war spats. Three groups of trusted doctors from three different places—Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Effingham—have all been on the same page for months: the corona virus is real; it’s serious; take precautions.

So we have done just that, by keeping all three of our kids at home to learn remotely, for example. Because I venture each day into a school with hundreds of noses, I continue to wear a mask around her indoors. We’ve had to miss family gatherings and social functions, and we will continue to take precautions in the coming months.

And we will absolutely pull up our sleeves when the time comes to get vaccinated. 

            After all the needles she’s had to endure these last five years, it’s the least we can do.

 

 

"Parrot Virus" the Script

Writer: (Walking into producer’s office) So, I think I have it.

Producer: Good. Good deal. I’m excited.

Writer: I think you’re gonna’ like this.

Producer: I know. You’ve been the best.

Writer: So, it’s a thriller. It’s a political thriller, actually.

Producer: OK. Politics. Whatyagot?

Writer: “Zombie Virus.”

Producer: “Zombie Virus.”

Writer: It’s called “Zombie Virus.” It’s about America...actually, it’s about the end of America.

Producer: OK. That’s pretty heavy for Memorial Day, but I’m listening.

Writer: It’s called “Zombie Virus,” and, it’s about a conspiracy...to unravel democracy as we know it.

Producer: So, is that...is that going into the trailer, I assume? The “unraveling democracy” thing, with the baritone?

Writer: “Zombie Virus” will tell the story of a conspiracy to destroy America from within using...wait for it...a VIRUS!

Producer: A zombie virus! Biological warfare!

Writer: Bio-LOGICAL, yes, warfare.

Producer: That is topical. I will give you that; my wife, the other day, she said that would be such an easy way to kill us, just, with germs, you know? Because we’re all so gross.

Writer: A virus...from China...from a lab...in the Wutang province.

Producer: Wutang?

Writer: The virus starts in China, and then goes to other places in Asia. And then goes to Italy. And Europe…

Producer: And that’s in  Europe, yes…

Writer: And then finally...America.

Producer: OK. Biological warfare. I’m listening. A deadly virus is cooked up to ruin…

Writer: Well, actually, it’s not that deadly.

Producer: The virus is not that deadly?

Writer: Yeah, it has like, a 98 or so percent recovery rate.

Producer: (Pause, confused.) Michael, that is...well, that is a really, sucky virus...for a disaster film. I mean, I’m no sadist, but, you know, that doesn’t seem all that frightening.

Writer (Michael): Well, we’re not to the scary part. To slow down the virus, the government has to basically ruin the economy. Stop’s everything. Stock market tanks.

Producer: OK, yeah, now that is scary. Now I’m scared.

Michael: The government ruins the economy to slow down the virus, and it kind of works. For awhile. People get mad. They can’t go anywhere. People are out of jobs. Savings are wiped out. Violence escalates. Inner city turmoil. Masks. People are screami…

Producer: Wait a second.

Michael: Yeah?

Producer: Go back to the masks. What’s with those...are they, like, scary? Guy Fawkes type stuff? Michael Meyers?

Michael: No, like surgical masks. Like the kind surgeons wear.

Producer: (Confused expression) Soooo...the masks...are part of the conspiracy?

Michael: Yes...to take over America.

Producer: And how are the masks part of the conspiracy?

Michael: Well, if people wear masks they lose their humanity, Kyle. It also makes them more susceptible to further government overreach, right?

Producer (Kyle): (Confused pause.) Michael, surgeons are humans. They’re humans all day long, even in surgery,  they’re humans. How is the mask dehumanizing?

Michael: Because you can’t do the non-verbal cues, Kyle, like this. (Makes creepy grin.) And besides, like I said, the masks are part of the conspiracy to get people to lose their humanity and become sheeple.

Kyle: (Takes out smartphone, taps, swipes, shows Michael pictures of thousands of people in various countries wearing surgical masks while walking down the street.)

Michael: Yeah. So?

Kyle: So...they’re wearing surgical masks to reduce the spread of random viruses......this is not...these pictures are from different years, even, this is not that weird of a thing...it’s a very common practice in different parts of the world. It doesn’t seem very sinister is all.

Michael: (Annoyed) Oh, well, with all due respect, Kyle, I suppose you’ve been to Japan? 

Kye: I have been to Japan, Michael, yes, I have been to Japan, and Vietnam, and China last fall for my cousin’s wedding. I am very wealthy and I travel to distant countries, and besides that, these masks are not scary. At all. This is a strange direction for a conspiracy film, I’m going to be honest with you.

Michael: (Angry) The Americans get mad about the masks because it’s their right not to wear the masks!

Kyle: Oh, it is not! And people know better than that, they’ve been wearing seat belts for years. Can’t even smoke in public. What else? What happens after the masks, Michael?

Michael: Well, the election. For one. It’s a disaster! Because it’s very, very close, and the incumbent says the other guy cheated, and he won’t leave office. And it is very intense, Kyle. Very intense.

Kyle: Does he call in the military to keep his job? Does he bomb a country and declare martial law?

Michael: No, after a while he leaves peacefully. 

Kyle: (Shakes head, increasingly annoyed.) Are you even trying to write something that is unsettling? I thought this was a disaster film. What’s going on with the virus, then?

Michael: Well, finally, after an entire year of recession and school closings, and angry people and tearing down statues, the “vaccine.”

Kyle: Now, why would you say “vaccine” with the deep voice? Tell me you’re not using the word “vaccine” in a movie trailer!

Michael: Maybe we will...because inside the vaccine, Kyle...is...a...micro...chip.

Kyle: (Nods head, begins to smirk.) OK. Now, that is sinister. Now that sounds like a very interesting conspiracy. I would maybe watch that movie. I wonder, would those needles have to be bigger around? How big are microchips? I don’t know. I guess we could find out. So, what...does this. Micro...chip...do?

Michael: (Intense look. Whispers) It tracks them!

Kyle: (Pauses) Okay?

Michael: The microchip tracks them. Everywhere!

Kyle. (Confused.) When does this movie even take place?

Michael: Now. It’s modern. It’s a modern conspiracy movie.

Kyle: And the microchip tracks them?

Michael: It tracks them, Kyle! Everywhere they go. Constant surveillance! Big Brother, man! 1984! Orson Wellian!

Kyle: “Orson Wellian?” Kyle, no, that’s...don’t say that again in front of people. That’s...look, we’re already being tracked, like, every time we leave the house. Every time we get on Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram...every time we buy something from Amazon. Jeff Bezos is listening right now. We’re already tracked. Why would they need to manufacture a zombie virus to sell a vaccine just to track people? Just look at the receipts. That is really low stakes, I think, for a conspiracy.

Michael: Well, I think it’s scary.

Kyle: (increasingly irate) And why do they need to be tracked in the first place? Are they mutants? Did I miss the part where you told me the people getting tracked have a real, pressing need to be tracked? Are they all violent criminals? What is going on, Mike? Are you getting divorced again? Are you drinking? Are you drunk right now? I’m sorry, but I'm having doubts about this so-called “thriller;” it’s just not very convincing to me.

Michael: Fine! Skip the microchip! How’s this for spooky? The vaccine is the Mark...of the Beast.

Kyle:  The mark of the beast.

Michael: The mark of the beast. From Revela…

Kyle: I know what book, yes. I’ve been to Sunday School. So the vaccine is the mark of the beast. OK, that’s creepy, I will give you that, that is creepy, but it also sounds like that might be a headache.

Michael: How will that be a headache?

Kyle: Well, it’s very offensive, for starters. I think many Christians would be very offended by that. And these folks don’t get offended very often, either, except around Chris... I mean, excuse me, except around the holidays. So, I don’t know if that’s a good move.

Michael: Why would that offend them?

Kyle: Well, Michael, I mean, you’re familiar with their religion? You’ve seen the Mel Gibson film?

Michael: I have not. No, not after what he said about my people, no I have not.

Kye: Marrying a Jewish person does not make you a Jew, you know this.

Michael: I’m at least half-Jewish.

Kyle: No you’re not, but anyway, that is very offensive, I would guess, because their entire faith is based on Jesus. Jesus is God, Michael. He came to earth, lived for thirty years, preached for another three, fulfilled centuries worth of prophecies, and then was beaten and arrested and crucified for the sins of mankind. All of human history, in fact, from the Christian tradition, is wrapped up in this idea of Christ, God, loving humanity so much that he made this sacrifice. Insinuating that he’s gonna’ send people to hell on a technicality is kind of...well, I mean, it’s kind of blasphemous, if you believe in that kind of thing.

Michael: How is that blasphemous?

Kyle: Well, like I said, he is God, for one. He created the ENTIRE universe. He bled and died for mankind, Mike, he’s not some pagan trickster deity trying to con people into eternal damnation. How would getting a vaccine designed to protect the health of you and your loved ones be construed as offering your allegiance to the antichrist? Have you even read any of the Bible? It’s full of cool ideas, I mean, this David guy, he’s gotta’ real ‘Game of Thrones’ vibe, we could…

Michael: (sad) Kyle. This...this used to be so much easier...you used to love my ideas.

Kyle: Mike, you’re in a slump. It happens. Why don’t we call Meredith, have her take a look…

Michael: Meredith?

Kyle: Yes, Meredith.

Michael: “The” Meredith?

Kyle: Yes “The” Meredith, she’s all kind of good ideas lately and she keeps dropping hints like she’s heading to Disney, I need to make her feel wanted. (speaking to phone on desk) Connie, can you call Meredith for us?

Connie: (from phone on desk, annoyed voice) Did you lose your phone, again?

Kyle: (pause, looks at the desk phone angrily.) Connie, why are you even on payroll, if you don’t do what I ask you to do? What are you doing right now? What even is your job, anymore?

Connie: Disney’s hiring, Kyle.

Kyle: (Contrite) No, please don’t go. I’ll call Meredith. Thanks, Connie.

Connie: Mmm hmm. (hangs up)

Kyle: (calling Meredith) Hey, Meredith.

Meredith: (voice from laptop) The vaccine makes guys impotent.

Michael and Kyle: WHAT?

Michael: How did she know what…

Kyle: Meredith, how did you know what we were talking about?

Meredith: Your laptop is still open to the Zoom meeting from this morning. The vaccine makes men sterile. Every third dose makes the sperm all loopy. It’s a population control measure. That’s your conspiracy. I want a co-writing credit for that, you know.

Michael: Co-Writer?! She said...you said, like, twenty words!

Kyle: Absolutely Meredith. That was brilliant. Great work! Again!

Meredith: Mmm hmmm. (hangs up.)

 

 

 

Uncertified Election Day Life Coaching

 

As many of you know, I am an Uncertified Life Coach, and have been for over four years. With what has been called the most volatile Presidential election in recent memory happening as we speak, I want to use this forum to address some electoral concerns.

Question One: What should I do on Election Day?

Answer: If you haven’t already done so, you should go vote for the candidate and issues of your choosing. Remember to wear comfortable shoes and bring your mask. Grab something to eat on the way home, and then do not, under any circumstances, watch the news.

Unlike in recent years, the outcome of the 2020 election will unlikely be decided on the actual election day. This is for many reasons, but will mainly be due to an historic amount of mail-in and absentee ballots. According to many state rules, mail-in ballots that are POSTMARKED by election day can still be counted. Thus, if you live in a swing state and the count is even remotely close, there is a good chance they will be hesitant to declare a winner. It may take days and even weeks for races to be called, and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, it just means the ballots are still being counted. This is why we vote in early November and the President takes office in the middle of January.

Question Two: What if the candidate of my choice loses?

Answer: If you vote for one of the two main party candidates, there is a reasonable chance that your guy will lose. It’s just math. If your guy does lose, it might be more helpful to list a few things not to do. For example, do not set anything on fire. You’ll probably regret it. Don’t grab your gun and “head into town.” This will end badly. Under most circumstances, your best bet is just to stay put and make a list of groceries. This will come in handy when your appetite finally returns in a few days. Most importantly, DO NOT GET ON SOCIAL MEDIA!

Question Three: What if the candidate of my choice actually wins?

Answer: If you voted for one of the two main party candidates, there is a reasonable chance that your guy will win. It's just math. If your guy does win it might be more helpful to list a few things not to do. For example, don’t gloat. There’s going to be millions of angry people out there with guns and matches. Depending on the election results, they will either be upset that America is turning into a fascist dictatorship or a communist regime. Regardless, many of them will be upset enough to punch you in the throat. Most importantly, DO NOT GET ON SOCIAL MEDIA!

Question Four: Whoops! I just got on social media and read that all the early mail-in ballots in Florida were pooped on by dolphins. Does that mean they don’t count?

Answer: Dude, I just...seriously. Look, getting your election result information from social media, especially in 2020, is about as safe as finding a date from the information Sharpied onto a bathroom stall. There are human beings around the world whose job it is to just design fake Twitter accounts and make stuff up. They create random crap for many reasons, but partly because they want to see us grab our guns, matches, and set things on fire. Don’t humor them.

 

Question Five: Is this year about over? 

Answer: God bless America I hope so.

The Neighborhood

Last week I wrote a column about Abraham Lincoln, wheelbarrows, French acrobats, the Civil War, politics, and dumpster fires. To introduce all of these ideas, however, I pointed out that I get most of my news from NPR and do so for two basic reasons: one, I find this source less ideologically slanted than some other sources, and secondly, the tone of the reporting is on the chill side, which is helpful for my mental health.

I did not suggest that NPR is unbiased.

NPR is made up of human beings and humans are inherently biased, and so it would be quite the trick for an entire news organization made up of biased humans to produce unbiased news. As a general rule, if we think our news source is unbiased and simply “tells it like it is,” it probably means it’s actually “telling it how we want to hear it” and is merely reinforcing our world view. That, in itself, is not good or bad, it’s just reality, but we do need to acknowledge that truth and accept that our world view is one of many.

Like, many, many.

Regardless, one piece of evidence I would use to suggest that NPR is somewhat less slanted than many other outlets, however, is the debate night recap I listened to on the way to school last Friday. For a few minutes, the reporter talked about the debate with two people: a Republican strategist and a Democrat strategist. The reporter gave each guest equal air time and didn’t interrupt. The guests were very pleasant to each other and were able to disagree agreeably; they highlighted what they saw as their candidate’s “hits,” pointed out their opponent’s “misses,” and, perhaps most impressively, conceded some spots where their own candidate was less than impressive, such as when former Vice-President Biden sidestepped questions on Ukraine or when President Trump suggested that no other President had done more for Black people, with the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln.

As the interview wrapped up, the reporter thanked the guests for their time and they, in turn, thanked the host for inviting them to speak. It was civil. It was three adults talking like adults, and it reinforced my own world view that talking is better than yelling, and that listening is better than both.

As far as the second point, the tone of this interview helped to reinforce another one of my world views, and that’s that the world needs to chill out a little bit and listen more.

God tells us in the Bible, repeatedly, through multiple authors, to love God, to love our neighbors, and not to worry about the future. Whether it’s James pointing out the absurdity of making long distance plans or Paul telling us not to be anxious about anything; whether it’s David finding comfort in God as shepherd or Christ himself reminding us that worrying won’t add a single hour to our lives, the message is clear and unambiguous: God is sovereign.

God is in charge, not the President, not the Supreme Court or Congress, not the World Health Organization or the United Nations, and certainly not Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg.

God is sovereign now and will continue to be so on November 3^rd, or 4^th, or 28^th, or whenever they tell us who won the election.

This is not an endorsement for apathy or an indictment for advocacy. By all means, vote for your candidate, debate for your opinion, finance the organization of your choice, but please do it in a way that is respectful to your neighbor and edifying to your creator.

This is also not meant to be a glib “don’t worry, be happy, God’s got this,” feel good message.

The world is, absolutely, messed up. The world is broken. Anxiety is perfectly normal, and it’s also perfectly normal, and healthy, to confront that anxiety with professional and pharmaceutical help. After all, if our hearts, livers and lungs merit medicine, then surely our minds deserve the same respect.

What is not healthy, however, is saturating our days in gloom, scrolling from one terrible news event to the next, or listening to angry ideologues financed by rich ideologues demonize the “other.”

Concerning the other, one of Christ’s most powerful messages came when an expert in the law asked him what he needed to do to be saved.

As Jesus had a tendency to do, he answered the question with his own. “Well, what does the law say?”

“To love God with all my heart, mind, and being.” The expert answered. “And to love my neighbor as myself.”

            Jesus agreed with his response, but the expert wasn’t finished.

“And who is my neighbor?” he continued, confident that Jesus was about to give him permission to categorize folks into “us” and “them.”

But, as Jesus had a tendency to do, he answered the question with a story, about a dying man on the side of the road, and about a Samaritan, of all people, who saved his life.

Which, in turned, begged the question again: Who, precisely, is our neighbor?

The broken man? The inn keeper who healed him?  The religious leaders who saw him bleeding and left him to die? The Samaritan who saved his life?

Yes.

 

Dumpster Fire

 

Sleeping is important to me, and so I’ve learned over the years to get most of my dumpster fire news from NPR. I choose NPR because other sources seem too ideological and have a tendency to make me think I’m in tremendous and immediate danger.

For example, if there was an actual dumpster fire down the street, while conservative outlets would report it like this:

“Progressive meddling has once again caused a dumpster fire down the road from your house; Nancy Pelosi was seen laughing about it and if you’re not careful, she’ll get you and your little dog, too!”

And liberal news would go this route…

“Conservative indifference has once again caused a dumpster fire down the road from your house. President Trump was seen throwing boxes of hairspray into the flames and probably thinks it funny.”

NPR would tell me how big the dumpster fire is, record its temperature, interview various dumpster fire experts to discuss the cause of the fire and its likelihood of spreading, and say all of this as if they’re reading me a bedtime story.

I appreciate that, because, as mentioned, I need my sleep.

Now, some might suggest, “Yeah, but they’re biased too, and you’re not getting the real story, man...you’re not getting the scoop…”

And that’s fine. You keep your scoop, and I’ll keep my six hours of sleep so I can continue to be productive.

Speaking of productivity, recently on my way to school one morning I was listening to a reporter interview David S. Reynolds, an author who wrote a book about Abraham Lincoln entitled “Abe.” (As an aside, another reason I like NPR is that they often interview people who write books instead of burn them.) One particular chapter in this book focused on how Lincoln associated himself with a celebrity at the time, Charles Blondin.

As you probably know already if you’re familiar with 19^th century French acrobats, Charles Blondin was famous for tightrope walking across Niagara Falls. He would perform stunts during his performance—somersaults, for example—and of particular relevance for Lincoln, Blondin would push a wheelbarrow over the expanse without a tether.

According to Reynolds, Lincoln related to this because he saw himself as trying to steer the nation over the chasm of the Civil War while pushing the republic itself in a metaphorical wheelbarrow. Lean too far one way or another, Lincoln believed, and the nation as a whole would fall into an abyss from which it couldn’t return. Granted, he did earn grief for this strategy by some advisors and continues to be critiqued today, but his ultimate goal was to preserve the union, not make friends.

So, here we are, in arguably the most fractious time in American history since the Civil War, and, according to almost all media outlets, Lincoln is still dead.

 Lincoln is gone, and nearly everyone, regardless of where they land on the political spectrum, regardless of how far left or right they want the wheelbarrow to go, seem anxious about the future. Concerning the election, both sides seem absolutely terrified that the other side is going to win.

            Now, like millions of Americans, I am less than enthusiastic about November’s potential results, regardless of what they may be, but the idea that one side is going to dump us all into Niagara Falls—on purpose, no less,—is kind of silly. It’s unreasonable, and it’s precisely the kind of bad behavior our actual enemies beyond our borders love to watch and help grow.

This will come as a shock to some of you, but I don’t believe Republicans are trying to “ruin the country.” Many Republicans simply have a worldview that prioritizes what they consider tradition and individual responsibility, and this way of seeing things influences everything else. Democrats are also not trying to “bring down America.” Many Democrats have a worldview that prioritizes what they consider progress and civic responsibility, and this way of seeing things influences everything else.

Both parties are mostly full of decent people who want what they think is best for America; they want to take care of their friends and family and would be perfectly willing to help a stranger.

Unfortunately, both parties have also allowed too many of their leaders to become too heavily influenced by special interests. Both parties have chosen candidates who seem more interested in using power to stay in power as opposed to using indluence to get things done.

The fix to these ills is by no means quick and easy. It would include, for starters, term limits, followed by the removal of those special interests from funding the process. It would also be helpful to organize Congressional districts to look more like actual shapes and less like weird monsters designed by party wizards. (Some congressional districts are so far red or blue that the opposing side doesn’t even bother. This leads to primaries where the winner is often the one who can yell the loudest and lean the furthest to the right or to left; over time moderate voices interested in actually solving problems get drowned out. This eventually results in very heavy wheelbarrows balancing on dangerously frayed tightropes.)

None of these ideas are likely, I know, in our current, overheated political environment. In the short term, then, perhaps our best path forward is to stop feeding the fire with trash.