It’s a good time to be alive, and
that’s because I’ve been convinced to buy a golf cart. I am thrilled. My entire
family, with straight faces and without irony, have told me - repeatedly - that
we need to make this purchase.
Before continuing, I think it’s
relevant to mention a few things.
First off, none of us golf. We’ve
been golfing, of course, but we do not golf, and we do not live on a golf
course. We do not live in an airport. We do not have a pressing need to get
from one tarmac to another to catch a flight during most days of the week.
Finally, none of us have any major leg issues that inhibit our mobility. We’re
fine. We can all walk without assistance and we’re in relatively good health.
No, the reason we need a golf cart
is really quite simple and it’s so we can go trick-or-treating. This
realization dawned on us recently, when we were, of course, trick-or-treating,
and it became evident we were the only group of idiots walking up and down the
road without a golf cart.
Now, the golf cart situation in our
neighborhood has been on the upswing the last few years and we have had very
casual conversations about getting one. This Halloween, though, was a real eye
opener, because there were just so many. The golf carts would drive down the
road, the kids would putter up to houses, get back in, and drive away to the
next green. I mean house.
While all this was going on,
however, our poor children had to walk the entire distance while my wife and I
just stood there without a clue like Ma and Pa Ingalls. Needless to say it was
very embarrassing and we have sworn this will never happen again.
This is a major purchase, of course,
but I have never been opposed to buying a golf cart in principle. They look
like fun and would be a great way to teach our kids how to run yellow lights.
The problem has always been we have nowhere to actually put it. Our house
blueprints say we have a two car garage but it's mostly just a storage unit for
good intentions and broken dreams. It’s full of bicycles, basketballs, lawn
chairs, softballs, baseballs, baseball cleats, soccer cleats, various netting
- an entire collapsible swimming pool
- just so many, many things, and some of
them don’t even make sense.
Take our Frisbee collection, for
example. We have thirteen. Why? How? We only have ten hands. Are we circus
performers? Why do we have thirteen Frisbees? I could go on but you get my
point. Occasionally I’ll get ambitious and straighten the place up and even
take before and after pictures like I’m starting a health cleanse. After a few
hours we can get our van into the garage. It’s a wild moment and always the
apex of my week.
Returning to the golf cart, though,
before we make this purchase we will need a place to park it. We technically do
have a shed for our lawn mower but it needs to be condemned and replaced with a
bigger shed, one that can reasonably hold the potential golf cart and a bunch
of other stuff. Ideally this newer, bigger shed would be built on top of actual
concrete. That would be tremendous. The problem with this, of course, is that
someone will need to be hired to pour the concrete and then to build the shed
on top. (I sometimes struggle to pour a bowl of milk in the morning, so it’s
best to leave these things to the experts.)
Regardless,
now that we’ve been convinced the vehicle is less a luxury and more a need,
it’s time to get the golf ball rolling, so to speak. In the meantime, the good
steward in me knows I should at least start making space. Let me know if you
need a Frisbee.
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