(Annaka had “accidently” gotten stuck in the rolling chair.
Again. For the fifth time in three minutes.)
After watching the candidates argue, I was
reminded of a couple things:
First, there are still some grownups in the
room.
Secondly, successful debating has very little
to do with responding candidly and thoroughly to an actual question presented
to you by a moderator. Successful debating is about how quickly you can segue
from the question itself into the talking point you have rehearsed and need to
emphasize. Both candidates were very good at this, so it was like a free,
fifty-seven minute clinic. I plan on taking some of their lessons and using
them in my own life.
For example, when a student questions me as to
why I haven’t graded and returned their essay that they turned in over twenty
hours ago, I will likely go with “The Patriotic Non-Answer.”
“Thank
you, student whose name I still don’t know because half your face is hidden
behind a surgical mask, for asking that question. Thank you, also, to the
committee, for inviting me here this morning.
“Paper writing, and paper grading, as well, is
one of the benchmarks of our democracy. Without paper writing, in fact, our
nation might not even exist. It was a particular paper, written by one Thomas
Jefferson, back in 1776, turned in all the way across the Atlantic to the
British throne, that got the whole thing started in the first place.
“Now, I don’t know what grade that crazy old
king put on that paper, but I do know this: all papers will be graded. All
papers must be graded, and they will be graded by me, not by a substitute and
certainly not by one of your peers. Thank you.”
When asked by one of my own kids why they
didn’t get the Pokémon video game for Christmas, I will use “The Folksy
Reminisce.”
“Yes, Pokémon, that is an issue that needs
addressed, so I’m glad you brought that up.
“Pokémon reminds me of a video game my brother and I used to
play back when we were kids - “Double Dragon.” In “Double Dragon,” the goal was
to punch, kick, and then punch a little more. My brother and I, along with some
of our buddies when they came over, we would sit and sip Aldi’s brand soda,
(I’d have a Black Cherry myself,) and we’d play “Double Dragon” for hours.
“This video game taught us a valuable lesson:
sometimes, life hurts. Sometimes life will punch ya’ in the nose and kick ya’
in the crotch. That’s life. As Americans, even as children, we need to
understand that there’s going to be a lot of face punching, from our enemies,
such as North Korea, and sometimes even from our allies, such as Santa P. Claus
himself.
“Maybe you didn’t get Pokémon this year, son,
but I do know what you did get: disappointment, and that’s the kind of life
lesson you’ll carry with you always.”
And then, of course, when confronted with why
the water bill wasn’t paid on time again, I will simply use the “Stern
Deflection.”
“Water. Well, yes, absolutely, let’s talk
about water, now, why don’t we? I think it’s past time for us to talk about
water.
“Water...water is wet. Can we agree on that?
Water is wet, and water is also on the floor of the bathroom as we speak. My
own socks have water in them right now, because I stepped on the water that had
splashed out of the shower and onto the bathroom floor.
“My socks...are soaked. My socks are soaked...
and my socks are not going to be dry in time for me to put on my own shoes. I
need those shoes to leave this house, and I need to leave this house to go to
my job.
“So, if we want to talk about paying water
bills on time, I think the first thing we need to figure out is how we are
going to get these socks dry enough for me to go to my job. Thank you.”
And thank you, Vice Presidential candidates,
for reminding everyone why there is such a thing as a Vice President
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