Literally

 

Summer is always busy for Uncertified Life Coaches, and this season is no exception. My uncertified in-box is absolutely brimming with reader queries, so let’s jump right in!

Summer Question Number One - “Does anyone know when my kids will stop using the word “literally” in almost every sentence? It’s very annoying and I’m pretty sure they aren’t even using it correctly.”

Answer: Chances are they aren’t, and you’re absolutely right - many of our young people are using this modifier at a dangerous pace, popping the word into places it doesn’t belong in a misguided quest for clarity. Unfortunately, overuse has rendered the term almost impotent. The abuse is so profound, in fact, it can be categorized into three unique errors:

Misuse Example One: The False Statement - “I’m so hungry I could literally eat a horse.”

No you cannot.

Although the cultural acceptance of eating horse meat has waned in recent centuries, it is technically suitable for human consumption. However, many parts of the animal are simply not edible, such as the teeth, hooves, and probably the tail. Therefore, no one can literally eat an entire horse, which makes the statement false. Besides the fact we have a potential mixed metaphor (the saying is generally, “I’m as hungry as a horse,” to convey a robust appetite) the word “literally” shouldn’t be there in the first place, as it suggests the speaker is a hungry psycho.

Misuse Example Number Two: Redundancy - “It’s literally so cold out.”

This is just dumb. Under most circumstances there would be enough context between speaker and listener to make the modifier unnecessary. Chances are, the listener is also cold, and so for the speaker to emphasize they are not being figurative and the air temperature does, in fact, lack warmth, is just someone adding words to make themselves sound smart.

Which is something I know a lot about. To fix this, the statement should be, “It’s so cold out I could eat a horse.”

Misuse Example Three: Face Palm - “Dude, are you literally right now?”

This one is so bad I’m not even sure where to begin, but I add it because it’s something I have literally heard myself. The solution here is to just not talk. 

This wraps up our language segment of Uncertified Life Coaching. Now let’s move onto science with this question: “What should I do about all these UFO sightings?”

Answer - I sense you’re asking more than one question, but considering how much of my life has been spent watching Star Wars content, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

For starters, the known universe is pretty big, so it's unlikely we are the only intelligent life forms out there. However, when it comes to UFOs and the plausibility that aliens are using space gas to actually visit us, we need to ask this humbling question, “If I had the ability to travel through hyperspace, would I voluntarily hang out with these people?” 

Unless Earth is some kind of intergalactic reality show being visited by very bored aliens, I would suggest most aerial weirdness is either naturally occurring phenomena we simply can’t explain, or actual human aircraft our governments pretend not to understand. This leads us, then, to our Civics Question:

“Who do you think is going to win the 2024 Presidential Election?”

Answer: Not us.

Summer Question Number Four: “Is Artificial Intelligence going to take my job?”

Answer: I would assume so, yes. I mean, well, let’s backtrack a little - what is your job? Are you in sales? Actually, you know what, never mind, it doesn’t matter…yes, eventually A.I. will take your job and family, but in the meantime, you should still work really hard so your boss at least feels bad about replacing you.

Summer Question Number Five: “Speaking of employment, I happen to be a middle aged person with bad knees and a stressful job. Is it literally too late to change careers?”

Answer: If you can ask the question you’ve already answered it. Focusing on a concrete goal, such as a career adjustment or a health benchmark, is rewarding in and of itself. Even if you don’t quite hit the mark, you will still grow as a person and perhaps inspire others to do the same. To paraphrase the late great Stan Lee, if you're convinced something is a good idea, go for it!

After all, when it comes to uncertified life coaching, it’s not about where you start but when, and considering how quickly A.I. is evolving, the time to start is now.