Sharing the Road

 

With yet another uneventful year drawing to a close, it’s time again to put on my “Uncertified Life Coaching” hat and answer some reader questions. Before beginning, however, let’s all keep in mind that I am very uncredentialed, and therefore my advice, while generally correct, cannot be used against me in a civil suit.

Without further ado, then, let’s take…

Question Asker One: Help! The holidays are here and I just…can’t. My son-in-law’s parents insist on celebrating Christmas at exactly noon on December 25th. 

Every…single…year. This leaves me with an empty house on Christmas Day, and I just think we should at least take turns or something. Any advice?

Answer: This type of question comes up quite often, and so I’ll start off by offering a blanket statement - folks who insist on celebrating any holiday on a specific date without regard to the plans or feelings of other people are, in a word, emotional infants. As such, it’s best practice to treat them as such.

 Just as we offer pacifiers to babies, we need to be the bigger person in these situations and let the in-laws (or other relatives) have their way. One might say, “Yeah, but then they’ll never learn,” and that’s true. Unlike a real human child, however, it’s not your job to help them grow up. Maybe they’ll eventually read a hilarious advice column and learn the error of their ways, but, chances are they won't, or, if they do, they’ll assume the suggestions don't apply to them.

Regardless, you and I both know the real baby Jesus was no more likely to have been born on December 25th than Mary or Joseph or anybody else involved. The point of Christmas is to treat each other like it’s always Christmas, regardless of the calendar. So, with that in mind, smile, take a deep breath, and give your family the best present anyone could ever want - peace on Earth.

Question Asker Two: Help! My parents insist on celebrating Christmas on December 25th and so do my wife’s parents.

Every…single…year. Neither of them will budge, and they live hundreds of miles from each other. What should we do?

Answer: I would probably just get COVID and stay home. Gas is still pretty expensive.

Question Asker Three: What is a good age for a President to be? My current President is, like, eighty or something, and he’s planning on running again. Is that constitutional? I’m not trying to sound ageist, (in fact I hope to be an old person someday and use a fancy cane) but seriously - haven’t the baby boomers had their chance?

Answer: Sure they have, and although there is nothing inherently wrong with being post-youth, a third of a century is more than enough time to “stop the fire” or whatever it was Billy Joel was yelling about. Believe it or not, between 1992 and now we’ve had five Boomer presidents winning eight different elections, and while they’ve all had enough interesting things to say and policy accomplishments to fill up the backside of a trading card, none of them are making the historical top ten. They absolutely do need to retire and give Generation X a chance to kick the can for at least one or two election cycles.

It’s our turn! We have ideas, and don’t act like we wouldn’t be willing to cater to corporate interests and ideological folderol if the opportunity presented itself. We’re cool. 

Oh, well…whatever…you know what? Never mind…there are some Millennials old enough. Let’s see what they can do.

Question Asker Four: Hey, thanks, first time caller, long time listener here…

Answer: We are not…on the radio…

Four: …and I understand you’ve been married since the end of the second George Bush administration.

Answer: OK.

Four:...so I was just wondering…any advice for newlyweds?

Answer: Oh…just shut up.

Four: Excuse me?

Answer: No, I mean, not you personally, but, you know, just don’t talk that much. Don’t be quiet in a weird, antisocial way, or anything, but just be aware you don’t necessarily have to say every dumb thing that pops into your brain, especially in front of your spouse.

We live in a culture that celebrates unfiltered thoughts, but a lot of those thoughts are just trash. Learn to hold your tongue. Practice ‘active silence,’ where you really think before you speak, or where you sometimes just don’t say anything at all. Marriage is not a sprint. It’s a very long marathon filled with hills, puddles and angry bees, so choose your words wisely. If it’s not kind, truthful, or at least moderately amusing, seriously consider keeping it to yourself.

Four: Keep it to myself, huh? That's a funny thing to say, coming from a guy writing a…

Answer: Thanks for calling.

And that ends another informative session of Uncertified Life Coaching with Me. As this year draws to a close and we look forward to 2023, let’s remember that just as a simple steering wheel directs our powerful cars and trucks, the words we say influence our fast-moving lives.

With that in mind, let’s all drive thoughtfully in the coming year and never forget this simple truth: we’re always sharing the road.