We're fired

This is basically who we are
about to elect President

Conspiracy theories seldom convince me.  Although interesting, I’m generally pretty skeptical when it comes to the idea that large groups of humans are not only capable of staying super organized, but they can do so secretly over the course of many, many years.  This skepticism is not based on any real data, it’s just a hunch mostly inspired by the sad fact that my wife and I cannot even organize our own refrigerator.  Considering we sometimes end up with exactly zero gallons of milk while also owning seven bottles of ranch dressing,  I guess it’s just hard for me to wrap my mind around the theory that the Denver International Airport is ground zero for a new world order, for example, or that the moon landing was a hoax.

This skepticism is on the wane, however, due mostly to one Donald J. Trump. 

Before elaborating on my own conspiracy theories, let’s pause and examine how we made it to this point.   For some reason I can’t help but feel that we are all living in the south-end of a computerized, political climate model that’s been going on for 20 years.  I imagine a couple of grad students back in 1996, throwing around ideas and punching hypotheticals into a software program designed to predict future election results.

“OK, how ‘bout we make one for two decades out?   Put a sex scandal in.  Make it gross.”

“Got it.”

“OK, now put in a national calamity, the rise of Islamist terrorism, and a misguided foreign invasion.”

“Want country?”

“Who cares?  One of the ‘I’s.  Now, add a failed immigration policy, amp up the partisan bickering, and then throw in the worst financial disaster since the Great Depression.”

“Wow, someone’s grumpy.”

“Just shut up and type.  OK, now, let’s see.  How about we add back-to-back, unpopular yet multi-term Presidents, skyrocketing deficit spending, cable news networks designed to validate shallow thinking, and social media designed to give that shallow thinking a very broad forum.”

“What’s social media?”

“Don’t worry about it.  Just push ‘enter.’”

Because that’s the thing about Donald Trump.  On the surface it seems unbelievable that he’s winning, like we really are living in a poorly written graphic novel.  The guy’s a bully, he’s a bigot, and many of his ideas don’t even make sense.  How is this happening if not for some unquantifiable rip in the space time continuum? 

However, it is happening, so how do we explain it?

For starters, we need to acknowledge that some of his supporters like him because they are like him.  They themselves are turds with limited empathy for anyone not them.  Many of his supporters, though, are actually decent people who are just tired.  They are tired of the system, tired of special interests, tired of the status quo, and there has been no candidate in recent memory more unconventional than Mr. Trump.

In essence, these voters are the fed up parents driving their two arguing teenagers to soccer practice and have basically run out of ideas.

“You two want to argue?  You two want to rack up the credit card bills like crazy people?  OK.  How about this?  How about I drive this flippin’ truck into a telephone pole!  You like that?  How about I drive this baby into the lake!  You two want to argue?  Guess what?  There’s one life jacket back there.  Argue about that!”

Granted, there’s no good reason why there’s a life jacket in the back of this analogy.  I know that’s absurd, but my point is that electing Donald Trump as President is a bad idea and we should not do it.

America is not a computer simulation.  This is not a video game.  This is real life.  We are a democratic republic with an awesome track record.  We invent things and stop dictators and what not.  People move to this country on purpose, sometimes at tremendous risk to their lives. 

And yet, despite all this, we’re close to electing a guy with the manners of a bruised ape.  So, the question is, what does all this have to do with conspiracy theories?

Here are three to consider. 

Trump is a spoiler.  Hilary Clinton knows that she and the Democrats are too unpopular to win a third presidential election in a row against any reasonable Republican contender.  Trump, then, is a loud, angry hand grenade thrown into the GOP barracks designed to do one of two things:  split the ticket if he is not the Republican nominee, thus assuring her victory, or, riskier for her, win the nomination and generate so much ‘Anti-Trump’ anger that people who normally do not vote come to the polls just to keep him out of office.

If that sounds outlandish, consider this theory. 

Trump is a mole.  Kim Jong-un knows that he and the rest of Earth’s super villains are too weak to defeat the United States from the outside.  Trump, then, is a loud, angry double agent thrown into the executive branch designed to do one of two things:  declare war on all the countries in the world all at once, or, risker for Kim, fire everyone in the U.S. government because they won’t call him boss.

If that sounds ridiculous, consider this last idea.

Trump is, ironically enough, a space alien.   This theory actually needs no elaboration.

In conclusion, I am cautiously optimistic about the upcoming election, even if Mr. Trump does win.  This republic is designed to withstand a multitude of threats, even the threat of deceitful, spiteful, unimaginative megalomania.  After all, it would’t be the first time.