Enough Mugs!

With less than a year until the general election, it is time we come to terms with the fact that I will not be your next President.  Although I am constitutionally eligible to hold office, 2016 will not be our year.  2020 does not look good, either, but we will not cross that bridge when we do not come to it.

Ladies and gentlemen, our entire campaign would have been an uphill battle.  A profound lack of funding, combined with my own dismal charisma ratings and almost non-existent name-recognition, would have proven to be insurmountable obstacles.  However, not all is lost.

The ideas we have generated over the course of the last seven minutes, ideas born out of the incendiary environment that is modern America, can still be brought to light.  These are ideas that other, less-losable candidates can carry with them to the White House.  These ideas are as follows:

In the realm of health care, we propose that health care cost be based on actual market forces, not the whims of monkeys throwing darts at numbers.  If you do not believe in the monkey-dart hypothesis, then you have clearly never looked at an Explanation of Benefits form sent to you by your insurance company.  These forms are full of figures that not only seem to have no real basis in tangible health care products, these numbers seem to fluctuate based on a patient’s level of health insurance and number of lawn ornaments.

This is like walking into a car dealership and having this conversation.

Customer:  How much is this car?

Car Dealer:  Well, that depends. How much insurance do you have?

Customer:  Uh, what?

This is absurd.  We propose that health care costs be based on how quickly the customer can either run a quarter mile or how far they can throw a can of soup.  This is equally as stupid as monkeys flinging darts, but at least this way the customer will have a modest incentive to stay in shape, which will lower health costs overall.

In the realm of cyber security, we propose that all social media sights establish what will henceforth be known as a “Trending Filter.”  Why?  Because I don’t know care if Alyssa Milano is breast feeding her kid. I don’t.  There may have been a point in my life, around 1992, maybe, when this would have been news to me.  That day has passed.  Just because I have logged into my Facebook account does not mean I am a bored pervert.

We propose that these “Trending Filters” be color-coded in such a way that the user can select to what level of stupid they are exposed.  For example, a college-educated, political moderate who does not believe in ghosts could set their trending filter to “Fresh Laundered Khaki.” An unemployed teenage boy, on the other hand, could set their trending filter to “Fifty Shades of By Myself.”  Whatever works.  We are just tired of being tempted to click on stories about unicorn fossils.

On the manufacturing front, it has come to our attention that there are too many coffee mugs.  My kitchen cabinet alone has three times as many mugs as any reasonable person needs, collected over years as a recipient of last-minute gift-giving. 

We propose the institution of a “Year of Mugilee” cycle.  Mugs can be manufactured and sold for three years.  Then, on the fourth year, no mugs can be created.  You can borrow mugs and give old mugs as gifts, but no new mugs can be made.  Over time, this will decrease the clutter in our kitchen cabinets and also allow for a more pragmatic use of porcelain.  Admittedly, this is not our strongest idea.

Our final plan comes from the world of education.  Many students, beginning at about the age of seven months, begin to develop a disdain for formal schooling.  This distaste originates from a number of factors, but whatever the cause, students who do not like school almost always make it less productive for the other three people in the room.

Our current system makes students attend school until they are almost adults.  That’s dumb.  We propose the establishment of giant community food plots designed to give unmotivated students something to do besides text each other behind my back.  Students who do not want to go to school can be bused, free of charge, to these food plots.  Here they will be given the opportunity to grow a variety of geographically viable produce.  In lieu of grades, students will be compensated with fresh fruit while the excess produce is donated to community food banks.  Communities without food banks can put the food in mugs.

In closing, I would make a pretty bad President.