Unfortunately, when we think of dynamite, we rarely
think of the good things. We usually think of all of its destructive
elements. In fact, Alfred Nobel, the Swedish inventor of dynamite, reportedly
felt so bad about its violent legacy that he bequeathed the vast majority of
his sizable fortune to people he would never meet, much to the chagrin of many
relatives. His last will and testament set
aside approximately 100 million dollars in today’s money toward the financing of
the five annual Nobel prizes—in chemistry, literature, medicine, physics, and
peace-making—in an effort to award individuals who make the world a better,
less explosive, place to live.
Facebook, too, while perhaps slightly less prone to
blowing up in your face, is often associated with its bad elements. When
we think of Facebook, we wince at just the thought of the many individuals who
abuse the technology:
Let’s consider Mr. Pancakes, for example. The
guy who tells everyone, often days in advance, what he's going to make for
breakfast.
We also have Princess Drama Girl, who not only
overreacts to everything that ever happens to her, but who also insists we all
know about it via cryptic, misspelled, profanity-laced status updates.
And, of course, we mustn't forget the Vague Grizzly
Bear, whose bizarre posts are often just typed growling.
"Grrrr...." the Vague Grizzly will lament. That's
it. That is the post. What are we supposed to do with that,
exactly? Drop our picnic baskets and run? Put our hands over our
heads and back slowly away from the computer? I don't get it.
Seriously, stop growling. You're not a bear.
Considering all of this boorish behavior, maybe the
good folks at Facebook should ponder Mr. Nobel’s legacy. A quality invention is being abused, and,
thus, perhaps it’s time to establish the Facebook Code of Conduct Awards.
Facebook could offer annual cash prizes for the
following:
Least Annoying Political Commentary, given to the
individual capable of offering consistent and reasoned analysis of a current
news event without relying on ideological folderol to make a point.
Most Welcome Social Invitation, offered to the
group who invites you to an event you actually want to attend.
Most Relevant Status Update, for the rare person
who does not even update their status unless something truly life-changing has
happened to them, such as they’ve married, reproduced, filed for divorce,
earned a promotion, been fired, lost an expensive pet, or been kidnapped by
actual pirates.
The Best Link, awarded for, well, the status update
with the best link attached.
Most Impressive Use of Standard English, given to
the person who not only knows the difference between “to,” “too,” and “two,”
but who also has a firm grasp between “there,” “their,” and “they’re.”
Finally, in the spirit of Mr. Nobel’s most famous
award, the Peace Prize, Facebook could offer a hefty sum of cash for the
individual or group who is capable of successfully ending that most annoying of
all Facebook threads: the online domestic dispute. How much money should Facebook be willing to
spend in an effort to remind people that every single misspelled cussword
hurled across cyberspace is basically permanent, and could potentially be read
by thousands of people?
However much it takes.
All kidding aside, Facebook, like dynamite, is merely
a tool. It can raise people up; it can
tear people down. It can help organize a
garage sale, a class reunion, or a revolution.
If Facebook can add to someone’s day without taking away from someone
else, if it helps people communicate, if it keeps an
angry spouse from moving to Canada, then it’s a good thing.
Just keep in mind what you learned in grade school,
though. If you’re going to tell 387
people you’re cooking biscuits and gravy on Saturday morning, at the very least
you should ask them over for breakfast.
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