Two for One

The Styrofoam cup does not, as a product, have much going for it. Demonized for depleting the ozone, often used for tasks unrelated to drinking-think preschool paintbrush water holder-the Styrofoam cup is a product often taken for granted. For example, when was the last time you read an online column about Styrofoam cups?

Exactly.

With this in mind, then, I can almost forgive what I saw the other day at Wal-Mart.

Almost.

So, there I was, shopping at Wal-Mart for the fourth time in five days, as usual, when I came upon the product. My wife was doing a science experiment for her classroom and needed, unsurprisingly, many, many Styrofoam cups. As a card-carrying member of EOC, (Environmentalists of Convenience) it had been awhile since I’d purchased such an item and was a bit taken aback by what I saw on the packaging.

“Keeps hot drinks hot; keeps cold drink cold; two cups in one!”

Interesting, I thought. This product must think I am a total idiot.

You are many things, Mr. Styrofoam Cup, to many people: bean seed planter, action figure pedestal, sand castle mold for poor children. You are not, however, “two cups in one.”

You are one cup.

One. Cup.

Yes, I understand, due to your harsh molecular configuration you have the ability to keep warm drinks warms and cold drinks cool for an undetermined amount of time based on room temperature.

But two cups in one?

Are you serious?

This is like saying a zygote is two children in one because it can become either a sweet little girl or a loud boy over the next few months. No, sir. A zygote is one eventual human that can become one of two possible genders, just as a Styrofoam cup is one drink receptacle that can either hold hot coffee, cold beer, or, if you’re seven, dead crickets.

Now, the scientific amongst you might be prepared to remark, "Yeah, but a zygote can actually split and become two humans, thus your analogy is kind of dumb." Very true, but keep in mind that the word zygote is much funnier than the more biologically appropriate term, embryo. Regardless, two cups in one? Give me a break.

But, perhaps I’m being an ass. Again. We are, after all, in the midst of pretty bad recession. The Styrofoam people have to pay their mortgages the same way everybody else does, and, as it turns out, they are not the only ones trying to peddle one product by pretending it is two.

The folks over at Doritos, for example, are selling a bag of chips with two different flavors. I’ve never purchased these chips, mostly because the names of some of the flavors confuse me.

After Hours Cheeseburger? That’s your flavor? That sounds like something a fat hooker eats between clients. Stadium Nachos? What, you pour warm beer on them and charge me five times what they’re worth? I don’t get it.

Anyway, I don’t know if the co-flavored chip bag has two separate chip compartments, like an Illinois dormitory, or if the chips are all thrown in together like one of those pagan colleges on the coast. Regardless, I will not buy a bag of chips that cannot make up its mind. Considering how many head cases I deal with during the week, the last things I need to add to my diet is schizophrenia.

A third multitasking product that I actually do use, however, and have found to be of quality is the body wash that can also shampoo and condition your hair. Now, I know as well as you do that this product is no more conditioning my hair as it is mowing my lawn. This product is living a lie the same way as the cups. This is simply shampoo that says it is also a conditioner and, as if that isn’t hard enough to believe, then claims to be a body wash.

This product, then, is the nine-year-old jerk on the playground who begins to tell a lie, realizes he’s caught, and just keeps on going in a hopeless effort to bewilder his listeners.

“So, little Jojo, what did you do this weekend?”

“Well, I went camping. With my dad.”

“Oh? That sounds like fun. What all did you do?”

“Well, uh, we went fishing. And I . . . caught a turtle A pretty big one.”

“Wow. A turtle, huh? A snapper?”

“Oh yeah, a snapper! It bit my dad's whole toe off!”

“What?!”

“Yeah, it was a huge snapping turtle! The bite got infected and dad had to get his foot amputated!”

“Yeah, I just saw your dad this morning. I‘m pretty sure he had both his feet.”

“You suck.”

And that’s that. So, why do I buy a product that lies to me and pretends to be able to both shampoo and condition my hair and, then, as if I’m still paying attention, goes ahead and tells me it’s a body wash, too? That’s easy.

Do you have any idea how much time it saves to just use shampoo to wash your whole body? Do you know how many gallons of water I’ve saved? (As an EOC, that’s pretty important.)

Now, thanks to this lie of a product, I no longer have to feel bad about it. Thanks, Old Spice Shampoo Conditioner Bodywash in One! You are saving our planet’s precious water supplies one disgusting man at a time!

Well, that’s all the time we have for now, folks. Check back in a couple weeks when I’ll probably be offering more unasked for advice. Now that you know how much water I save, I assume you'll be even more apt to listen.